About Jewish Girl: A Buffet of Blasphemy

My project, Jewish Girl: A buffet of Blasphemy is coming along nicely.

What happens in the year when a 14 year-old Jewish Girl is kicked out of Hebrew School for questioning the orthdoxy and finds herself at her Bat Mitzvah a year later in the chapel of the Cathollic School she attends  (no one else would have her.)?

The “spiritual farce” features 36 comically flawed characters helping her come of age while they question their own identities, They include:

  • The Heebo (a Jewish hobo who gives philosophy tips while walking his path around a lake)
  • Stoner legally blind Rabbi
  • Goofy Sufi (HARD OF HEARING)
  • Stuttering Priest
  • Santerian Priestess who is aide to a
  • Ballbusting Balabusta Grandmother
  • Tech genium kabbalist from Mumbai (speaks in movie metaphors)
  • Converso Nus
  • Three and a half legged dog named Hashem
  • And more.

Regular episodes will live online in print, and podcasted in audio. I hope to get this saga made into an Amazon/Netflix-style television series (the agents tell me I should pursue this course).

There’s a lot of yiddishkeit, spiritual wisdom and wordplay throughout. It’s been called a “Jewish Confederacy of Dunces.”

Additionally I plan a cookbook companion called What Could Possibly Go Wrong?: 36 Jewish recipes (18 are foolproof).

The Narrator of main book is God. The cookbook is written in the teenage girl’s voice. The story goes that when she was kicked out of Hebrew school, her overbearing bubbe insisted her only granddaughter get that Bat Mitzvah. The Rabbi devised a plan that if she could create 36 Jewish Recipes throughout the year she’d learn the language, the food, the history, the inter-generational connection and the prayers. Who the hell needs Hebrew school anyway?

From time to time i will be posting random snippets from the book until it’s completed later this year. Feel free to comment and share.

Thanks.

Don Goldberg
dgoldberg3@hotmail.com

 

The Last Seder: A Trump Family Drama

The Last Seder: A Trump Family Drama

by

Don Goldberg


Dining Room table, Kushner Family residence.SETTING

TIME

Sunset, First night of Passover.

ACT I

Scene  Kushner home. Now.

(Trump Family around Dining Room Table, Candles lit, Seder plates and Matzah on table, Haggadot open.)

DONALD TRUMP

Believe me folks, I’ve been to a lot of dinners but I must tell you, this is the greatest Seder, the most beautiful table in all of your Jewish history. I mean, I know the Jews. They’re intellectuals, they’re thieves, they come to this country and marry our daughters, but many of them are fine people. So Jared, tell me, when do we eat? I want a cheeseburger.

JARED KUSHNER

Not tonight, dad. It’s not kosher.

DONALD TRUMP

Aw, come on, why is this night different from all other nights? I want my Big Macs and a large Diet Coke. What’s with this parsley and horseradish and an egg? You’re going to kill me. Ivanka help me out.

IVANKA TRUMP

(moves her chair closer to her father, he puts his hand on he lap. She grabs it and moves it up.)

Trust him, Dad. He’ll rush through the Haggadah and there will be a beautiful plate of brisket when he’s through.

ERIC TRUMP

(wipes his mouth on the tablecloth, pulling it and spilling the wine. Donald Junior dips napkin in water and starts cleaning up his brother)

A couple more drinks around the table and it’ll be fun. Just like a meeting at Trump tower, Dad … except Manischewitz instead of Stoli. Right, Jared?

JARED KUSHNER

Woah. Easy on the Concord grape, buddy. Now, Mr. President, this is the part where we give thanks to God for the many blessings he bestowed on us when we got out of Egypt.

DONALD TRUMP

Egypt? He still hasn’t gotten us out of Iraq! Never make deals with evangelicals.

JARED KUSHNER

Egypt. Mitzrayim, It means tight places. You know when you feel stuck?

DONALD TRUMP

Oh, you mean in the rough. Ah, who needs God. I just give myself a mulligan and drop the ball on the edge of the green. It’s my club and I can do what I want. An I must tell you, I hold the record at Mar a Lago for the longest putts. Isn’t that right Ivanka?

IVANKA TRUMP

Yes, Donald. So long. So straight, you putz.

JARED KUSHNER

You Trump women and your jokes.

IVANKA TRUMP

Jokes?

DONALD TRUMP

Junior, sorry your wife and kids couldn’t make it. Oh well, more Matzohball soup for everybody. One ball to a person except me. I get two because I’m the president. And believe me, these are the biggest balls I’ve ever seen. Dig in.

(Eric spills his soup. A matzoh ball rolls off the table into his lap. Donald Junior wipes it up taking the matzoh ball)

DONALD TRUMP

He’ll let you do anything. You can just grab him by the balls.

(he laughs. The women give him a steely-eyed stare)

JARED KUSHNER

(clearing his throat)

So we’re at the page in the Haggada where we say “dayenu.” It means, enough. It would have been enough. Who wants to read first?

DONALD TRUMP

No reading. I don’t want to read. I’ll just be God and you all can read.

(He throws the Haggada on the table)

We don’t need to read from the Maxwell House, I like it when you just make things up bibbidebababiddibing.

JARED KUSHNER

You’re the boss, dad. Junior, why don’t you start?

DONALD TRUMP JUNIOR

If you would have stayed married to Ivana, it would have been enough. Dayenu.

TIFFANY TRUMP

If you would’ve stuck with Marla Maples, it would have been enough. Dayenu.

BARON TRUMP

Mom! They’re picking on me. If you would’ve stayed in New York, that would have been enough.

DONALD TRUMP JUNIOR

Y’know, If you’d stopped before building the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City, that would have been more than enough.

IVANKA TRUMP

Maybe if we just stopped at Celebrity Apprentice and never ran for office, it would have been enough.

ALL

Dayenu!

DONALD TRUMP

Well, maybe if Crooked Hillary hadn’t run such a lousy campaign, it would have enough. What a disaster.

(everyone’s getting agitated. People are gulping wine, Trump is throwing the egg and a matzoh ball at Baron.)

JARED KUSHNER

If you wouldn’t have waited before you fired Flynn. If you wouldn’t have acquired so much debt.

DONALD TRUMP

Me? If you never made an offer on the 666 building. Very bad deal folks, and went to Russia for financing…

JARED KUSHNER

Yeah? Well, maybe if I would have let you date your daughter and never married her…would that have been enough for you?

(Baron starts crying. Grabs the shank bone and hits Trump in the nose.)

MELANIA TRUMP

(Grabs a bottle of Manischewitz and drinks directly from it,then slams it down.)

If you would have kept your dick in your pants. Believe me, it would have been a start!

JARED KUSHNER

OK. I think we’ve had just enough of enough. Let’s just cut to the end of the service. Ivanka, why don’t you open the door for Elijah to come in.

(Ivanka opens the door. Robert Mueller enters)

DONALD TRUMP

Elijah? You don’t look like the guy from Uber Eats.

ROBERT MUELLER

I am the prophet who will lead you out of bondage.

DONALD TRUMP

No thanks. I like bondage. Didn’t you see the pee tape?

ROBERT MUELLER

I have in my outstretched hand, a subpoena and in my other hand a Hillel sandwich.

DONALD TRUMP

Like I thought. You got the wrong house. I ordered 2 Big Macs, extra cheese…

ROBERT MUELLER

Says right here, go for the big cheese. Get used to it. From now on you’ll be eating a diet of matzah and water.